I am normally a happy girl, I know that because my passwords are things like 'purtyflowers' or 'dreamyevening'. Recently I've forgotten that part of myself. There are seasons when life feels so heavy, so full of pain and suffering that I forget to be joyful. I'm in one of those seasons right now, during Christmastime. It's kinda awful and it's not normal or natural. I am surrounded with wonderful Christmas hymns like 'Silent Night' and 'Come All Ye Faithful' and I just cry. We moved to Maryland a little over a year ago and have been blissfully happy here. I've gotten to experience a lot of healing and growth, but I wasn't prepared for the amount of growth to come. We bought a house in March of this year and it was a leap of faith. I can't say a leap of faith is ever really wrong, but we are certainly questioning our decisions and whether or not God was ever a part of that decision making process. I have to believe He was or it undermines my trust in our relationship. I feel that strongly that He was a part of that process. My husband's company is closing this office. We've known for a couple weeks now, but have suspected it for eight weeks. Not a lot of time to have sat on this information, but the shock has worn off so it's easier to talk about. So I am sitting here wondering what I'm learning. I know that God is my provider and not my husband's company. That's the first thing and the easiest to reel off. Other than that I'm at a loss. I was one of those people who had to have the plan laid out, not necessarily a life plan, but definately the next couple years. I am glad to say that I don't even have next week figured out, much less two *years* out. That's such a foreign concept to me now. Our house is on the market because we do not know where my husband will get a job. So many questions I have for my Lord.
But today in the midst of such heaviness I allowed myself to be silly with my son and it was fabulous, marvelous even. We laughed and made crazy voices together. I hope to have more of that tomorrow.
