I think I may have become a turtle at some point in the recent past. It certainly wasn't my intention but every now and again I find myself peaking out and about to see what is going on in the world, and the moment I get spooked I want to quickly run back in my shell. I wasn't always like this, you see I used to be quite outgoing and fancy free.
I remember the girl of my youth who would play in the rain and soak in a bubble bath with candles lit nearly every night. I had a crazy fun career that I didn't take too seriously and related so closely with the character on Ally McBeal that I found my own theme song. (Alana Davis's 'Crazy') I had an apartment where my favorite thing to do was get fresh flowers on the weekends after cleaning my little home. The memories are so sweet to me. But the greatest gift that time spent living alone gave me was getting to know myself. At the age of 21 I had my own little space and it was fabulous. I also came to know Christ as my personal Savior shortly after I moved in and was completely smitten with my Lord. My testimony wasn't one filled with tales of woe, I was raised in a Christian home and the foundation was a strong one. But everyone has to meet Christ on their own and my experience happened like a courtship and then I was His.
Sometimes I miss those early romantic days with my love. Now we have settled into a relationship rich with history and growth. But, I've been hurt and so it is taking me a lot of time to recover. It's affected the way I communicate with God. It's like He became larger than life to me and I saw a side of Him that scared me. The way He provided for us and took care of us, there was just no denying his presence in the time of chaos. I get so impatient with my recovery because it isn't physical and I feel like I should be able to shake it off, but it's not shaking off... I don't dwell on the loss we experienced anymore. I really don't think about it as much as I once did. But I do notice that I'm not the same person I was and I just miss her sometimes.
I used to have lots of girlfriends, go out for Mom's Nights Out at least once a month and was just a socially busy lady. Now? Well, I was invited to go out with some sweet friends last week and I nearly had anxiety over the thought of getting together with them. They're old friends but I feel like I've been to war or something and can no longer relate to them. Which isn't true, but I'm just not the same girl they knew four years ago. The only other time in my life that I can relate it to was when my dad died and my sisters and I and my mom had to be home together. I couldn't go more than a couple hours without being at home, I would panic. I felt safe at home like nothing bad could happen...even though my dad had died there. I just felt like the world was no longer safe, no longer spinning on the same axis. Hmm. That's kinda how I feel now. And I did recover from my dad's death. I mean, as much as I could really recover from his death, ya know? And that encourages me.
On the bright side I will say that my relationship with Steve is more intense/intimate. I trust him with me so much more than I did before. Something about seeing each other so raw and rocked, just made us a lot stronger as a couple and that is something we did not have when I was being a social butterfly and filling my calendar every chance I could.
Now my question is, is what I'm experiencing part of the healing process or is it a soul adjustment? Time will tell.
