Christmas came early

When I was a little Lettie, my family would often have people knock on the doors in the neighborhoods trying to witness to people.  I just didn't get that at the time, they were usually Mormons or Jehovah's Witnesses.  All I did know for sure was that we weren't to talk to them but to avoid them at all costs.  This was never the case with Catholics (I was Lutheran when I was tiny and then an Assembly of God girl beginning in 3rd grade) or Methodists.  I've always wondered why that was the case.  What I suspect is that my parents were raised in a time when differences in people weren't celebrated, but feared.  I on the other hand have an incredible curiousity about people who are different than myself.  Everything from cultural celebrations to spiritual beliefs. 

I've not always been the person who wanted to invite the door knockers inside of my home.  At one point in my early 20's I would say 'I'm a born again Christian, okay?' Obviously I wasn't very inviting and they'd leave politely.  Then something happened.  I was at church one day and overheard a man telling about all he'd learned about different faiths just by asking respectful questions.  I had a 'why didn't I think of that??' kind of moment and I changed.  Pretty incredible, but if you know me in person it would probably make sense.  So shortly after I chatted with God about this change in heart I was blessed by two young Mormon guys who came to my door one day.  I was so excited I couldn't stand to wait for them to knock!!  I waited on the porch for them to walk up and we talked.  It was an awesome conversation where I learned the differences in our faith/walks.  When they left we said we'd pray for each other.  Respectfully, I told them I felt like they were missing the greatest piece of Christianity, the Holy Spirit.  I explained how charming He is, how kind and patient.  They weren't too interested, but to this day I pray those two young men went to home to look up what I was talking about.  And if not, a seed was planted.  At least a month ago I'd gone to the grocery store and when I returned my hubby said 'Oh, you missed it, some people came to the door wanting to talk about God'.  I was like 'Were they Jehovah's Witnesses???' He looked at me like I was nuts and said he wasn't sure but they'd left a tract.  You would've thought Christmas came early!  Then he said he'd told them I'd probably love to talk with them and they could come back when they were in the area again.  I kissed my hubby with joy and gratitude and waited. 

Two weeks later a woman and her husband show up on my doorstep.  Both children were at school and we chatted.  I kept asking them about their faith trying to figure out what the differences were and I told them what I was trying to figure out.  They kept trying to tell me how great their faith is, but I wasn't hearing them.  I simply wanted to know what I was supposed to have feared all those years.  I fully believe that I need to confront my fears with God or Satan will latch on to them.  The wife left me with a little book, I'm sure you've seen them, and asked if she could return.  Of course I said yes and they left but I was frustrated.  Based on everything they'd said I couldn't figure out what was worth stashing the children away when they knock on doors.  I decided I was going to do as much research as I could before they returned.  I wanted to be prepared and knowledgeable.  Can't you just hear God laughing?  ;) I'd sought out information but wasn't getting any feedback, of course the doors were blocked, God just wanted me to come to Him.  But I didn't.  So today they came back again, it's been three weeks since we've tried to get together and something always came up.  We talked for a very long time and about all kinds of things.  We read the bible together and we challenged each other as to what specific scriptures were telling us.  I reinterated that I wasn't changing my belief system, that it's the core of my being and I wasn't trying to change theirs, just understand it.  I asked so many questions, I felt like my five year old.  Then it happened.  I had clarity.  I heard the difference.  I asked more questions and I felt bold with soldiers at my back.  I knew they were there.  There was no question of me backing down, I began talking about spiritual healing, prophecy and the POWER of the blood of Jesus.  It was incredible.  I was respectful and I'm prayerful even in this moment that these women who were raised  Catholic, who know about Jesus and the trinity will go home and reflect on what came out of my mouth today.  That they will seek answers to the questions that they had about me and why I'm different than them.  I am on fire with a passion for them to know more about the power of God.  Not just God, but all the parts of Him. 

God did give me a Christmas present today.  He let me know that He will equip me as I go.  I can't say that this is new information to me, but something that I needed to be reminded of.  He is everything that I need, I always love Him.  Always.  I have a spirit of gratitude and thank Him for anything and everything that comes to mind.  But the level of respect I have for Him in this moment is incredible.  I pray that I made Him proud.

Quality Time

Today was a great day.  I had to write that somewhere and ask you to be a witness to my day of joy.  I had the pleasure of connecting with a few wonderful women in my life that I rarely get to talk with.  And all of those conversations had God as the focus.  My most favorite kind of days.  If I could talk about God and the glorious things He has done in my life all day long that would be, well, Heaven.  I guess I'll have to wait to experience that kind of never ending joy, but that I had a glimpse of it today simply *rocks*.

WWF

It's been a mighty long time since I've written.  I'd love to say I've been finding the cure to cancer or something profound, but truly I've been living a normal life... probably much like you.  :) November was incredibly busy.  I traveled or had guests every weekend that month.  What may sound crazier is that I was in a blissful state.  My sister and I took our daughters to NYC to do the American Girl thing.  My daughter has always loved everything animal while my niece has always loved dolls and is very girly.  My plan was to purchase a doll for my niece and if my daughter was interested I'd get her one, too.  But she had to be really interested, not just wanted them for their pets if ya know what I mean.  Well, it was quite the sight to see my girl fall in love with (drum roll, please) Felicity. 

Another weekend we traveled to Philadelphia to visit a girlfriend and her daughter.  It was a really, really nice day and it was difficult to leave after such a short visit.  She is just one of those people that God has put in my life who is absolutely precious to me.  We've been through a lot of spiritual growth together.  She's one of the (literally) few people in my life that I can speak of deep spiritual matters with and in the same conversation talk about how great it would be if our husband's could listen to us like our girlfriends do.

In the midst of living some mighty great days, I've also had struggles.  God has revealed to me another thing He is breaking me free from and I'm struggling with it.  Even as I write that I wonder how on earth that is possible.  The creator and lover of my soul wants to help me and I'm battling Him.  I feel like I should be a WWF wrestler, ya know?  But, to me this is a biggie.  One of those relationships in my life that has defined me and I've given it too much authority in my life.  I don't know what my new normal will be like when this is resolved.  I know that resolution is coming, I have strong faith in that.  I believe that He will finish the work He has started and that it wouldn't have been brought up if He didn't plan on changing it.  I also know that He works all things out for my good.  I can say without hesitation that I have the gift of faith in my walk with God. 

Recently God has also been showering me with blessings.  I'm pretty blown away by the enormity of how He displays His heart for me.  That He loves me so much that He would allow me to truly have the desires of my heart, that no one but Him knows about.  Then there's just plain out gratitude for the things that I have.  For example I've got a dishwasher. A washing machine for my clothes and a dryer to dry the same clothes.  It's 24* outside and my heat works very hard to keep my home comfortable.  I'm really thankful for those things.  Those and the tires on my truck.  I'm acutely aware most of the time how helpful my tires are to me.  I thank God for them all the time.  That's the heart of me.

One day my friend I will share much more with great gusto all the great and kind things my Savior has done for me.  The fact that He gave me the opportunity to have life everlasting with Him is incredible to me.  But that He allows me to walk with Him here?  Now?  Seriously.  I haven't the words to describe my gratitude.

Procrastination

Have you ever felt like you need to purge emotionally?  Often when I do it results in some incredible spiritual growth.  While I never have enjoyed the physical unrest that precursors the purge, I'm thankful afterwards.  I'm kinda in that mode right now.  I'm not comfortable at all.  I want to get on the phone with anyone who could distract me from the task at hand.  I want to go outside and wash my car in the rain, I think I'm making my point.  While I'd love to type all of it out here on this screen that feels like my friend, I know that they author of my journey is waiting for me to come and have some coffee with Him. 

Two biggies in my life

Shooooooeeeey!!!  I'm a pretty simple person.  I love to hear people laugh and share the joys in their lives.  I think since moving I've been shell shocked.  Only now am I coming back around to who I am, and I have missed her so very much!  ;) I dance randomly through my life...sometimes I have witnesses but usually it's just me and God.

One story my hubby often reminds me of from when we were dating is a time when he drove past the drive thru window and I was dancing.  No music on or anything to speak of, just dancing to my own song.  I think that sums me up pretty well.  The best part of that short story is that it was a miserable place to work, but I had a blast there.  It was fast food and I smelled like oil every day that I went home.  But I went to work six days a week, usually for 10 hours a day and looked for joy.  I looked for God to show up in the best ways.  Birds taking a bath in a puddle made me feel alive, it was awesome.  That foundation of finding joy in chaos made me feel unique as a person, kinda special.  I love life and when I find people to share life with it's awesome. 

What makes my soul sing today is knowing that God has been with me every moment of my life and that He always delivers big when I ask for help.  When I reached a maddening breaking point after being at the fast food restaurant for eight years, he gave me a job running a coffeeshop.  Ya wanna know how it happened?  One of my assistant managers was dealing drugs in my men's room.  Yep, talk about a bad work enviornment.  When I caught wind of it, I let my area supervisor know and assumed she'd want me to terminate him.  Makes sense, right?  Only to a large company in this case.  Because she had no replacement for me she let me make the decision.  Ya know, keep him or let him go and return to working 80 hours a week.  Of course I let him go, did I mention he was a friend of mine?  It sucked. During this time I could see no light at the end of the tunnel, my joy was temporarily hazy.  Suddenly I detested my job, an emotion I was very uncomfortable with.  I had interviewed months earlier for an assistant managers position for a company I was working for part time, but had been told I was overqualified.  I had been heartbroken, it was unlikely that the same company that said I was overqualified was going to give me a store since I was working one shift per week at that point.  Regretfully I knew what was going to happen in the short term and I had to give up my part time job.  I couldn't even make time to put in a four hour shift at my dream job... so sad.  Anyway, I prayed.  Praying isn't really what I was doing, it was more like begging God for a way out of my current situation.  I quit my job and a couple days later I got a call to please come in for an exit interview.  It was very relaxed and I talked about how regretful I was to leave the store.  He (his name is Bob) called me a couple days later to set up another interview.  I explained the only free time I had was at 7am.  7am.  So because God was using this man (it's the only reason I can come up with, really) Bob set up our interview at 7am on a Friday morning.  Not only was I hired as a Store Manager, but I was the only one he interviewed.  I had the joy of working for that company for a total of eight years and experienced a lot of personal growth there.  As well as a lot of joy.  :) I was already a beliver and knew that God would help me, but it was the first of many times in my life when He directly answered a prayer for *me*.  A prayer that I begged for when I was alone in my apartment and didn't have to have my game face on. 

I've been in my new city for four months.  I begged God for a change in my life back in February.  I was having a hard time, but didn't want to admit it to anyone.  Not even my husband.  Like the time He pulled me out of the fast food restaurant, he removed me just as swiftly and cleanly from one life and inserted me into this one.  In my new city, I've struggled with the adjustment but didn't see it. I assume it's to be expected, but truthfully, I didn't know I was struggling until recently.  How did I finally see it?  I danced in the street the other night and it struck me that I've not expressed that personal joy in months.  I'm so glad to see me again! 

His agape love leaves me breathless.

God's Way

I have had the priveledge and honor of seeing God move in ways I didn't agree with and have been blessed to watch him build beauty from ashes.  It's changed the way I pray and my relationship with God. 

My father passed away suddenly when I was 20 years old.  I was then ditched by my high school sweetheart of 6 years a couple months later.  I recall that time as being heart wrenching.  I knew in my soul that God was going to work it out for my good, I had that strong a faith.  But it hurt.

When I was 25 years old a cherished girlfriend of mine who was 28 passed away.  She left behind a loved husband, and three very young children.  It never entered my realm of possibility that she would die from ovarian cancer.  It was discovered when she was pregnant with her third child. She and I had a strong friendship when I was a teenager and in many ways she guided me into adulthood.  She got married and was blessed with a very busy family and I wasn't there, yet.  Her priorities changed and I wasn't one of them anymore. I didn't understand the life change that children are and I felt rejected and hurt.  I wish I'd handled it better, but I was young and very self absorbed.  When she passed away it was awful.  Awwwwful.  I was in Las Vegas with my soon to be husband.  God revealed to me the moment she was passing by placing a memory based slide show before my eyes of she and I.  Everything from when I met her (she scared me) to my good bye with her at her home before I left for the airport.  I was so very humbled that He knew my love for her that He allowed me to know she was with Him.  It still hurt. 

Had my father not passed away, my life would be drastically different.  I was on a different path and his passing changed it for the better.  I came to rely on Christ as my real father and the love of my life and soul.  He became real to me, not just God that I'd always admired.  The former boyfriend it turned out wasn't my life afterall, with time healing and forgiveness happened. The girlfriend passing was tougher.  She had children and I couldn't see how taking her was going to be used for His will and purpose.  I was grieving.  Here we are nearly ten years later and I can say God's ways are better than ours.  Jeremiah would be proud.  Her widower has remarried and been blessed with a wife and they have two more children together.  Their family blesses mine daily...especially because his wife has become a very dear friend to me. 

How has it changed my prayer life?  I can say with ease that when I pray for people, it's for God's will to be done and for us to learn whatever we are supposed to learn quickly during the situation.  God is always God and I'm grateful that He is mine.  Is He yours?  He can be.

Spiritual Healing

"If you follow this advice, and if God commands you to do so, then you will be able to endure the pressures, and all these people will go home in peace.” Exodus 18:23

I'm very grateful and thankful to my Father.  Yesterday I was struggling with my Lord, in the afternoon I surrendered and in the evening I was cleansed.  He works that quickly when I surrender to him.  The greatest part to me is that in the healing and cleansing of one relationship, it will affect many in my journey.

Surrendering

I'm jamming to the song 'I Can't Do This' by Plumb this morning. I am in the midst of a really uncomfortable season in my journey with God.  He's doing a work He's probably wanted to do for a very long time.  Have you had a work so intimate with your Creator that only He can do it?  I don't even know if I can actively participate.  I feel like I'm entering a period so personal only He is allowed to experience it with me. 

My Listening Ears

When I became pregnant with my firstborn, my mother told me I'd grow with my children. She made it sound very exciting. While I knew she didn't mean in age, I didn't truly understand the meaning of her wisdom until Bridget had her feelings hurt the first time.

Yesterday afternoon I was getting the children settled in for homework time when I saw this note from her teacher: 'Some difficulty following directions. We will continue to focus on this skill.'. I knew exactly what had happened as I looked over the worksheet in question. My girl had presumed to know the work ahead and began working before listening for her teacher's guidance. Though she was done first (she was proud of this) she had to do it over again because it was incorrect. Of course the next worksheet I see says 'Much better!', it was the same sheet with a do over and she'd followed the directions given.

I can/could see my relationship with God very clearly in Bridget's correction yesterday. It easily is something I can experience with God on a daily basis if I'm not listening and waiting on Him. So many times in my life I've assumed I was helping God out when of course, I was getting in His way. But gently He's given me many chances to do it over and get it right the next time. Each time is easier for me to forgive myself, of course there's the human factor, but I know that my God loves me so much that He's willing to be patient with me and correct me as many times as necessary until we get that piece of me corrected/clean.

I now know that I had no idea what my mom meant when she said 'You'll get to grow with your children'. I'm grateful for my experiences. I don't know if I'll be able to articulate to my children the opportunities for growth they give me daily, but I pray they see that our God is one who loves us so much that He won't have us stay the way we are. All we need are ears to hear him and a heart that trusts Him.

Sharing My Heart

Have you heard the song 'Our God Is Love' by Hillsong Live? It is most fabulous!! I first heard this song in church a couple weeks ago, it rocks. I believe it should be appreciated very loudly and while dancing. That's pretty much me and my personality riiiight there.

My hubby and I had date night last night and I love his company, he is easily my most favorite human. I'm very thankful to God for him. It's funny that we aren't tourists here, that's going to take some time to get used to. This is home!! =) We had dinner at the Hard Rock Cafe and I got to share my most favorite book store in the world with him... the Powerplant Barnes and Noble. I felt like I was sharing more of myself with him, after 12 years together there is still so much to explore. Before children I worked for a company that would send us to Baltimore every October. I had many treasured memories here and always wanted to share it with Steve. I'm always aware of the unspoken prayers of my heart and that they too get answered. I'm so in love with God, He shows me daily how well He knows me.

I had a very sweet experience last night. When we moved here, one of the first things on my agenda (besides finding my hair straightener) was to hire a babysitter. We found one that my children *adore*. She is very good to them and also balances out the snacks and doesn't turn on the TV. But I didn't know her faith and I didn't ask. My son has an ability to discern people's spirits very quickly. I want to be more like him, I get hung up on words and appearances too often. He warmed up to her immediately, and while I was hesitant I figured I'd see where this went. Up to last night we didn't discuss Jesus, I got the feeling that she was putting some space between us and it was a boundary not to cross, so I didn't. But. Don't you love God??? When she was leaving last night she said 'Oh by the way, Zachary asked me to say his prayers with him...?' It was more a question and I was touched by the sleeping child upstairs. That request by him led to a great discussion between she and I about God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit. She loves God, but has many, many questions and while she knows He hears her, she doesn't think He talks back. We talked in my driveway last night for over an hour and my heart was soaring with love this sweet young lady. As gently as possible I was encouraging her to talk to God and give Him all of her questions and listen for Him. I'm so very excited for her!!! She has the opportunity to have a *great* walk with her creator if she wants one. I'm praying with joy for her!

Gratitude

The song of my heart at this time is 'Revelation Song' by Philips, Craig and Dean 'You are my everything and I will adore you.' We moved to Severna Park, Maryland in June. I don't know if I'd normally put the city, but this place is a bubble! Since it was our first time moving, I have no idea if they all go that quickly and smoothly, but ours was incredible! It was so quick that the movers were at our home before we were on that overcast June day. Rain was threatening and I learned that day that if rain starts, they don't stop working. I prayed for an umbrella over our home while all was being unloaded, and you know what? Of course you do!, it didn't begin to rain until they were loading all the pads, dolleys and ramps back on the truck. While the guys were unloading our belongings into our new home, nearly every woman on the street came to introduce themselves to us. And many of the children, too. I have a great respect for the families here. We live at the end of a court and it's our playground. We do something like 'community parenting' if that's a term. If not, I'm creating it. ;)

I love it here. Often I ask God if we may stay. Though I struggle with even posing that request to Him since I would never have asked to move here in the first place. This has been another example in my life of God knowing what's best for us. I feel like He has provided for us in a way that I can only describe as a blessing. And I would like a bigger term like 'Ginormous Gift'. We had no idea what was waiting for us up here, now I know that it was peace. A peace that I didn't have before and truly I didn't know it existed like this.

We have found a church home (!!) and I recently joined a women's bible study. After attending the first one I knew that was the piece that was missing for me. Being in fellowship with like minded believers for me is nothing short of joy!! I love hearing about what God is doing, how He is moving, correcting and healing His children. He's been really busy with me this summer and fall. How He is able to work on all of us at the same time, how we are able to pray at one time even in different languages, is part of the omnipresence that I'm grateful for.

Arise with the morning

Do you have a favorite song? I go through seasons with songs, but I am aware that they always speak to my soul in whatever I'm going through. Right now the song of choice in our house is 'Arise' by Chris Sligh. 'Perfect remedy for all that tears at me', I'm so there right now. When talking about moving out of state, it's emotional. My hubby and I are excited and nervous in the same sentences. But our moving impacts more than just our wee family of four. We have our family roots here, and I'm talking generations of them on both sides. Both of us have families that are near and dear to us, it's one of the things we both liked in each other when we were dating. Then there are the friendships. I have a girlfriend who has become a spiritual sister in Christ to me. When our daughters were born five years ago we became inseparable. But then in a way only God can move, we became partners for growth in Christ. It's been quite the ride. I've always been aware the depth of our relationship has been for a season, but only God knows how often I've prayed that our season would last for many years. So while I don't know how much longer I'll be in Virginia, I'm treasuring every moment that I can conveniently hang out with my extended family.

Be still and know that I'm not God.

To move or not move. That is the question... at least today that's the question. ;) Moving can be spiritual, actually one of my most beloved songs is 'You Move Me' by Susan Ashton. My hubby and I have lived in the same town all our days, so the thought of moving should be frightening to me... right? But it's not. I have a lot of peace about the *possibility* of a move. So unlike me. It's moments like this that I can see the growth that God has allowed me to experience. Isn't He SO awesome??

Humaness in overdrive today.

Well, I can officially say that I'm not the best auntie ever. I blew it today, but when I mess things up (which is often) I always run to Jesus pretty quickly. Today the topic that sent me running to my Big Daddy was competitiveness between my daughter and niece. They are very close in age, my niece is 8 months older and have I mentioned yet that my niece (and my sister) lives with us? Well, she has since she was three and there was abandonement by her daddy of her family. My hubby and I felt led to open our home to them, and haven't regretted the decision a little over two years later. The three children are being raised as siblings and I believe they are all better for the situation. But. Today we celebrated my daughter's fifth birthday a couple days early. She is not one to seek the spotlight or attention, she has a very gentle spirit and is easily content with her life. My niece seeks attention all the time and doesn't handle it well when her cousin receives any, it is really disturbing to me. I don't know how to handle this. Up to now the way I've handled it has been to blow up when I just can't take correcting her 'just one more time'. So embarrassing.

Now that I've taken time to write it out, I've gotta get back to my Big Daddy on this one. I pray there is some clarity in here somewhere because our relationship needs healing and a fresh start.

The Zone

I realize that now I do know how to post entries. I'm kinda psyched about that, but now what do I write about? I'm a wife, a mommy, an aunt, a sister, daughter and friend. I think I have more titles than that, but none of them matter as much as being a child of Christ. That's my best title and the one I desire to reflect if you'd meet me in person. Not that being the other things isn't important, on the contrary I adore being in the family God has blessed me with. I'm just aware that my relationship with my creator is eternal. No other relationship in my life will (or has) last as long as that one. He has been with me all my days and knows my past better than even I do.

My life for the last eight years has been defined by His revelation to me about generational sin and bondage in my life/family. The result has been immeasurable freedom and joy. There have been tears shed along the way, many laughs and numerous 'oh my gosh, I can not believe I did that' moments, too. I'm pretty much being overhauled and rebuilt from the ground, up. So, my blog will reflect something of a spiritual construction zone. It's pretty accurate. ;)

Testing...

So I am SO new to the world of blogging that I don't know how to do it, yet. I'm actually writing this as a practice post. Is there such a thing? I should have a mentor of some kind. ;)