Circling Back

I am continually amazed at how similar my daughter and I are. I have horrible anxiety about the dentist but not for no reason...I had an experience with an impatient dentist whom attempted to drill a cavity before I was numb. When I called attention (as did the young lady assisting him) he blew us off. I came very close to kneeing him in the jaw. He finally backed off but was very upset with the appointment. So now when I have appointments for fillings I am filled with dread and anxiety. 

Fast forward to today with my sweet pea. I was not concerned about her, no anxiety, as she's always handled dental work well. Today I am in the hallway in a swivel chair right outside her room. She is a hot mess, my little sweet pea. :( So nervous and shaking. They keep inviting me back in the room to help calm her down. She is nearly finished with her appointment and I imagine her nerves are probably feeling pretty raw right about now. Being a parent is hard on the heart. 

Today I'm thankful I can now recognize that my dentist from 15 years ago was simply impatient.  God uses my children often to help bring closure to situations for me and I am grateful. Also? I'm investing in a high quality fluoride toothpaste for my girl. I pray she doesn't have this experience again. 

Choose Joy

Our world is a dark place filled with anxiety and fear. Our government is shut down and the drama associated with that frightens people. People have lost their jobs, some temporarily and some permanently. And I get heavy hearted for them. I've been there and it has not been that long ago. I remember too many details and feelings associated with that time of uncertainty in our family. But for anyone going through it I would tell them that it doesn't last. The feelings of grief and fear fade, jobs return, forgiveness comes and life resumes. 

I saw a picture of our old house last night online. I wasn't hunting for it, a Facebook friend took a picture of his child playing in that houses front yard, but I starred at it. Was I trying to evoke old feelings? If I was, there were none, and it was wonderful. I can say with joy and gratitude that I am healing.  That house represented a lot of regret and pain in my life and none of that was there last night. What bliss that was for me. 

So while our world is filled with fear and anxiety we have the gift of choice. We can choose to participate or we can choose to walk our path in faith that recovery is coming along with brighter days. And those days are brighter, indeed. 

Reconnected (...and it feels so good)

I've recently reconnected with a precious soul who was so close to me at one time she was in our small wedding.  How we lost touch I'm not even sure.  I've mentioned before how I never transitioned well from one season to another until recently and I think, sadly, she was one of the casualties of my ignorance.  By grace she has let me into her life again and the relationship is such a treasure to me. 

I'm not sure if she'll ever realize what she contributes to my life.  I get to be myself with her and lose all of the titles.  I'm not a wife, mom, PTA volunteer or Awana volunteer with her.  She lets me just be myself and we talk.  Sometimes about the deep things of relationships and other times the drama a workplace can bring. I'm so thankful for the forgiveness and grace that has been poured out on this relationship. I'm pretty sure that any relationship where God is allowed to be glorified is one that will stand the test of time. 

Black Ice

There was a time when I would scream from the rooftops how much I adored my sweet Lord.  I would publicly give praise for all the wonderful things He was doing in my life.  Did I need witnesses to my walk?  Was it youth?  Passion?  I'm not sure.  But for years I acted like a new bride, eager to tell everyone about my beloved and how wonderful He was.  I think it's safe to say that I felt like God's favorite princess, though honestly I still feel like we all could feel that way at any given moment. ;) I felt I could encourage anyone and really felt like it was a gift God gave me to any person who was hurting, it was incredible.  Then while on my walk with God I hit some black ice.  I was badly bruised and hurting and could not hear anyone try to encourage me.  Because of my foundation of praise and worship, I still praised my Lord. My praises became quieter almost hushed, like an intimate conversation that I didn't want anyone else to hear.  My worship was intense because only He knew what was happening within me.  I would still scream my love to my Lord, but my walk became deeply personal.  I don't share too much of my walk these days.  I get that some of my experiences with the Holy Spirit are meant only for Him.

I feel like I've seen the other side of a bliss filled life and I can now see how Christians can hurt deeply.  We can be absolutely in love with our Lord and still experience soul piercing loss.  I have a friend who is close to my heart and she is hurting today.  She just found out her father has 6-9 months to live.  This same friend said difficult goodbyes to people she treasures recently.  She will not see them again until our Father calls her home. And now she faces losing her earthly dad and she is questioning her Father in heaven.  The good news is that He already has her in His mighty hand and He can take whatever she gives Him. 

So in closing, if you find yourself looking for someone to laugh with, I'm your girl.  There are few things I love more than a great belly laugh!  But if you find yourself in pain or mourning a loss; be it a person to heaven, a relationship, a job or a dream, I can listen with compassion and understanding that wasn't there before.  God is good and really does use all things for His glory.  Oh I am still smitten with my beloved, but it is built on a foundation that has been torn down and rebuilt.  I am a new creation and the great news is, so are you.

The Sweet Spot

My husband gave me a gift this weekend and while I thank him for it I don't know if he gets what I'm thanking him for.  For the first time in four years I went scrapbooking this weekend.  It wasn't planned.  I mentioned a crop that I was invited to attend on Friday evening, I think on Monday afternoon.  On Friday as I was searching for and gathering my cropping tools and trying to figure out where I'd left off years ago I began to get excited.  I used to crop with a group of ladies and I know how sweet it is to find women that share the same joy I have for paper crafting. As I was leaving on Friday evening I asked him if it would be okay with him if I returned to the crop on Saturday if I got my groove back.  He said it wasn't a problem and I think it actually had him a little giddy for me.  So the gift I referred to?  He gave me back a piece of myself.

From 2002-2007 I had a scrapbooking room.  My husband had purchased a large working station for me and I put it to good use.  Many cute albums were put together in that room, if I do say so myself. ;) But in early 2007 my cropping slowed down.  I had a two year old and a six month old and life got very busy, little did I know how much busier it was to get.  2008 brought my sister and her little love moving in with us after her husband abandoned them.  They moved into the scrapbooking room and all of my tools and albums were put away.  They shared life with us for two much busier years and then 2010 saw us move out of state.  As much as I wanted to scrapbook I found myself not being in the right frame of mind to do so. But in 2012 after four moves in just a couple years we returned home and guess who got her scrapbooking room back?  Yep.  This girl.

When I got my hands in my son's baby album and began getting into my groove it was like I'd never been apart from it.  I remembered where I'd left off and even saw how I'd set up or prepped a few layouts that I'd intended to do much sooner.  But the pages were completed and that it the point.  I find the same thing about myself and my relationship with God.  Similar to my album, He waits for me, right where we left off.