Gratitude defined.

It has happened.  I am so physically tired I can not think to climb my stairs one. more. time.  Why so tired?  We're packing because we are outta here!  Another time I will share how bittersweet this move is for me and perhaps at that time I will share some treasured memories of my sweet, sweet time here in Severna Park, Maryland.  In the meantime I've hit my stride with this whole moving thing.  One month from today is the scheduled settlement on this house.  Next stop?  My grandfather's vacant home in Virginia Beach until God tells us what to do next.  You know what I'd love?  To stay there long enough to heal from this process, the story that is so intimate to my hubby and I that only God will ever know how excruciating it's been. But also how charm filled and blissful.  God is good.  He alone knows my heart through this process and He has shown me His love for me over and over and over.  I can not be more filled with love and gratitude than I am today.

Arrogant me.

My husband was laid off from his job earlier this month.  Ya know, the one that we moved up here for.  He's taken a position with a company in our hometown and will move ahead of the kids and I this coming weekend.  He'll visit every two weekends until the house sells and we'll skype, too.  I'm thankful for technology, I'm hopeful it'll make this process easier.  I'm so pissed over this whole thing.  I thought, I mean I *knew* that God was allowing us to make Severna Park our home.  I love the bike trail, the smalltown vibe, the roosters that I hear every morning and the funny cardinals that frequent my bird feeders.  There are things I don't particularly care for, too, but overall my heart has found joy here.  Joy I'd not known before when I lived in a larger city overrun with asphalt and streetlights.  What I now acknowledge is that I knew in my soul that this was a temporary home for us, not just the rental we were in last year, but Severna Park.  I thought if Steve and I bought a home up here then we'd have to stay.  That's really what I thought and what I acted on.  And God allowed us to follow through with that arrogant and prideful behavior.  Oh goodness.  How I need His help to get through this massive  mess we've created. 

So my heart doesn't have a lot of gratitude right now; it's more filled with fear, worry, regret, remorse and sometimes panic.  But I do have gratitude, I just have to look for my blessings.  We've had an incredible experience up here.  My love of piggies and all things farm has been firmly established in my heart.  My children are awesome kids.  We've put them through two moves with another one on the horizon and while they aren't happy about it, they get why we need to move again.  As Bridget (6yo) put it, 'So we have to find someone to buy our house so we can move to Virginia to be with Daddy, right?  And there's nothing more important than family'.  I just stared at her and finally replied with a yes. :) There is beauty through this whole thing if I keep my eyes fixed on God.  Oh I pray I can keep my eyes fixed on God. 

The beginning of the puzzle.

I am normally a happy girl, I know that because my passwords are things like 'purtyflowers' or 'dreamyevening'.  Recently I've forgotten that part of myself.  There are seasons when life feels so heavy, so full of pain and suffering that I forget to be joyful.  I'm in one of those seasons right now, during Christmastime.  It's kinda awful and it's not normal or natural.  I am surrounded with wonderful Christmas hymns like 'Silent Night' and 'Come All Ye Faithful' and I just cry.  We moved to Maryland a little over a year ago and have been blissfully happy here.  I've gotten to experience a lot of healing and growth, but I wasn't prepared for the amount of growth to come.  We bought a house in March of this year and it was a leap of faith.  I can't say a leap of faith is ever really wrong, but we are certainly questioning our decisions and whether or not God was ever a part of that decision making process.  I have to believe He was or it undermines my trust in our relationship.  I feel that strongly that He was a part of that process.  My husband's company is closing this office.  We've known for a couple weeks now, but have suspected it for eight weeks.  Not a lot of time to have sat on this information, but the shock has worn off so it's easier to talk about. So I am sitting here wondering what I'm learning.  I know that God is my provider and not my husband's company.  That's the first thing and the easiest to reel off.  Other than that I'm at a loss.  I was one of those people who had to have the plan laid out, not necessarily a life plan, but definately the next couple years.  I am glad to say that I don't even have next week figured out, much less two *years* out.  That's such a foreign concept to me now.   Our house is on the market because we do not know where my husband will get a job.  So many questions I have for my Lord.   

But today in the midst of such heaviness I allowed myself to be silly with my son and it was fabulous, marvelous even.  We laughed and made crazy voices together.  I hope to have more of that tomorrow.

The Key was key.

About a year ago I had a dream.  I can recall the details like it was this morning that it awakened me.  I lived directly across the country from my mom.  It was a San Francisco type town, lots of hills and near a large body of water.  In my dream I'd been locked out of my car.  She had a spare key to my car and only she could help me.  I was waiting on her to give me back the use of my car.  I could've gone to her to retrieve it, but I was waiting on her to deliver the key.  There were other pieces of the dream, but the key was the bigger deal.  I remember talking with her the next day as if I were walking on eggshells.  I was listening to her with intensity, trying to figure out what power my mom had that I needed her to give me.  She'd recently begun attending a CODA group and I assumed that that was the gift she was going to grant me.  An insider's view of a codependents healing or something like that.  While I am still garnering a lot of knowledge from her in her path of self discovery and recovery, I'm thinking I got it wrong.  

I moved out of my parent's home when I was 20 and for the next 15 years I lived within 10 miles of my moms house.  The last 8 years I lived two street lights away with my hubby and our family.  I didn't know (or want to see) that I'd hurt her when I moved away last year.  It was a wound that needed healing and I knew that I couldn't 'make' her come up here to see our new home until she was ready.  So when she told me in April that she was looking forward to and planning a trip here in July, I nearly didn't believe her.  But I knew the timing was right and God was slam in the midst of it.  As I'm sitting here I can't believe how sweet my Lord is.  I'm talking He knows what my soul needs here.  He's just that awesome.  Okay, so this is my proof of how dreamy He is:  A few days before my mom's visit I began to fear that she was going to back out.  There were some real reasons that it could've happened, but God gently reminded me of the dream He'd gifted to me last fall.  And I began to see that my mom was bringing me my 'key'.  Then I knew she was coming, and I got so excited.  Our visit was incredible.  We talked and listened and I got to show her places that are precious to my family.  She got to witness my life and it was incredible.  I realized how badly I needed her to see how happy I am and how God blessed my life by bringing me up here.  Was it approval from her that I needed?  Perhaps.  Though I gotta say that I don't want to admit that at all.  I was so sad when my mom left, but overjoyed that she'd come.  So would you like to know what the key was?  I discovered that I am where I'm supposed to be and she knows it.  And so I have peace, true peace to live my new life in my new town where our God has planted me.

Shaken and stirred?

From July, 2011
I've had a lot of highs and a couple lows this week. On the top of my list of highs was the discovery that my youngest sister announced that her family is expecting a new baby in the late winter of next year. She and our other sister's children will be four months apart! So precious are these days for our family. It's incredible. Then last night my family and I went to hang out with a home group through our church. It was a great night, just fabulous. All of the people spoke of their walks with God and I can see myself growing with these people. There was a passage in Luke that I didn't get, a parable that I really wished there was a clearer breakdown of and a couple members broke it down and I came away with a clearer understanding. Just a nice moment of awareness for me that I'm always a student and occassionally a teacher.

By Faith

I had a moment of realization and unleashing today that I'd love to share with you.  We relocated to Maryland and because the move happened so quickly, we didn't attempt to sell our former home.  Rather we chose to rent it out.  Because of that decision and a couple of well meaning mentions from my mother, I've had the fear that we would return to that house to reside in one day.  I don't want to.  I have a lot of wonderful memories in that home; it's where we brought our babies home, it was my husband and I's first home together...but if I have a choice, I don't want to return there to live.  Only God knows the joy I have found since living there. 

I had the privilege of seeing Benny Hinn in person back in 2004.  He taught on the power of the blood of Jesus and it was a message I will never forget.  Just that impactful an evening.  The majority of his teaching came from Hebrews 11.  The Faith chapter of Hebrews, and it is my run to chapter when I feel myself trying to take over for God.  Yeppers.  I do that.  I think I've shared before that I have a boisterous sense of humor when it comes to my relationship with God.  I have got some fabulous inside jokes with Him that only He will ever 'get'.  It's dreamy. :) So today I'm reading about the faith of Abraham and Moses.  And how they overcame earthly obstacles because of their faith in our heavenly Father.  Then I read this little ditty: 'All these people were still living by faith when they died.  They did not receive the things promised; they only saw them and welcomed them from a distance.  And they admitted that they were aliens and strangers on earth.  People who say such things show that they are looking for a country of their own.  If they had been thinking of the country they had left, they would have had opportunity to return.  Instead, they were longing for a better country-a heavenly one.  Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared a city for them.'  So two things happened.  The first thing I realized was that God was letting me know that trouble my heart feels right now isn't justified.  It's fleshy.  And secondly, He reminded me that I got rid of my moving boxes.  I remember feeling so clean about that action.  So if I could write my own Faith scripture it would say something like this: And by Faith, Lettie, knowing God had brought her to the land He prepared for her, recycled her cardboard boxes.

God is the original Rock star.  He is the Alpha and Omega and I couldn't be more thankful that He alone can soothe this (at times) restless heart.

Let's Break Some Chains, People!

We've been in our new home for a wee over a month and I am completely smitten with her.  God has given my husband and I what we have individually and jointly wanted in a home ever since the 'dream house' discussions began when we were dating.  Little things like a front porch and bigger things like full size double hung windows in the unfinished basement.  It's just dreamy. 

Before moving into our new abode, God was working with me on letting me know this house was meant for us.  Just trusting Him that all was well and this path was laid out for us by Him.  It was awwwesome.  The only ease I can aliken it to is that peace I had when we were relocating from Virginia to Maryland.  I knew He was in it and guiding us the whole way.  More recently, He's showing me that I've had anxiety for years.  I didn't know it, never saw it in action.  Of course now that He's opened my eyes to it, I see it all the time.  I feel it rise up and I see how I've always 'handled' it.  Most alarming is that it's like the controlling spirit's nasty sidekick.  He's let me know that while He revealed the controlling spirit to me years ago, now we get to work it out.  It's really awkward.  At times I find myself at a loss of how to behave.  How does the Holy Spirit want to guide this child?  And then can I surrender to my creator in that instant, not just in hindsight?  My flesh is such a mess.  These spirits that I didn't know I was hosting have been running the show and only with God can I be so transparent to let Him have His way through me.  Okay, so all that is heavy, right?  At least I feel like it is.  The good news is that God loves this family line so much that He wants it cleaned up.  One ugly, thick vine at a time.  I always want a quick and easy (often pretty) ribbon to break and voila!, that's it, next!  But that's not God.  For as many generations as it's taken to have this massive root/spirit to feel like it's entitled to stay, it's going to take that many more baby steps on my part to walk with God and let Him do His thing.  His work that He's started He will finish, my only role is to surrender.  I'm so thankful that He loves us that much.  Most awesome is that prayerfully my children, His children will not walk around with this spirit in them. 

I pray that you who are reading this post can get on your knees and ask God to rid you of what hinders you from going deeper with Him.  Bring on the deliverance!!  Wooooo Hoooooo!!