I am normally a happy girl, I know that because my passwords are things like 'purtyflowers' or 'dreamyevening'. Recently I've forgotten that part of myself. There are seasons when life feels so heavy, so full of pain and suffering that I forget to be joyful. I'm in one of those seasons right now, during Christmastime. It's kinda awful and it's not normal or natural. I am surrounded with wonderful Christmas hymns like 'Silent Night' and 'Come All Ye Faithful' and I just cry. We moved to Maryland a little over a year ago and have been blissfully happy here. I've gotten to experience a lot of healing and growth, but I wasn't prepared for the amount of growth to come. We bought a house in March of this year and it was a leap of faith. I can't say a leap of faith is ever really wrong, but we are certainly questioning our decisions and whether or not God was ever a part of that decision making process. I have to believe He was or it undermines my trust in our relationship. I feel that strongly that He was a part of that process. My husband's company is closing this office. We've known for a couple weeks now, but have suspected it for eight weeks. Not a lot of time to have sat on this information, but the shock has worn off so it's easier to talk about. So I am sitting here wondering what I'm learning. I know that God is my provider and not my husband's company. That's the first thing and the easiest to reel off. Other than that I'm at a loss. I was one of those people who had to have the plan laid out, not necessarily a life plan, but definately the next couple years. I am glad to say that I don't even have next week figured out, much less two *years* out. That's such a foreign concept to me now. Our house is on the market because we do not know where my husband will get a job. So many questions I have for my Lord.
But today in the midst of such heaviness I allowed myself to be silly with my son and it was fabulous, marvelous even. We laughed and made crazy voices together. I hope to have more of that tomorrow.
Monday, December 19, 2011
Thursday, July 21, 2011
The Key was key.
About a year ago I had a dream. I can recall the details like it was this morning that it awakened me. I lived directly across the country from my mom. It was a San Francisco type town, lots of hills and near a large body of water. In my dream I'd been locked out of my car. She had a spare key to my car and only she could help me. I was waiting on her to give me back the use of my car. I could've gone to her to retrieve it, but I was waiting on her to deliver the key. There were other pieces of the dream, but the key was the bigger deal. I remember talking with her the next day as if I were walking on eggshells. I was listening to her with intensity, trying to figure out what power my mom had that I needed her to give me. She'd recently begun attending a CODA group and I assumed that that was the gift she was going to grant me. An insider's view of a codependents healing or something like that. While I am still garnering a lot of knowledge from her in her path of self discovery and recovery, I'm thinking I got it wrong.
I moved out of my parent's home when I was 20 and for the next 15 years I lived within 10 miles of my moms house. The last 8 years I lived two street lights away with my hubby and our family. I didn't know (or want to see) that I'd hurt her when I moved away last year. It was a wound that needed healing and I knew that I couldn't 'make' her come up here to see our new home until she was ready. So when she told me in April that she was looking forward to and planning a trip here in July, I nearly didn't believe her. But I knew the timing was right and God was slam in the midst of it. As I'm sitting here I can't believe how sweet my Lord is. I'm talking He knows what my soul needs here. He's just that awesome. Okay, so this is my proof of how dreamy He is: A few days before my mom's visit I began to fear that she was going to back out. There were some real reasons that it could've happened, but God gently reminded me of the dream He'd gifted to me last fall. And I began to see that my mom was bringing me my 'key'. Then I knew she was coming, and I got so excited. Our visit was incredible. We talked and listened and I got to show her places that are precious to my family. She got to witness my life and it was incredible. I realized how badly I needed her to see how happy I am and how God blessed my life by bringing me up here. Was it approval from her that I needed? Perhaps. Though I gotta say that I don't want to admit that at all. I was so sad when my mom left, but overjoyed that she'd come. So would you like to know what the key was? I discovered that I am where I'm supposed to be and she knows it. And so I have peace, true peace to live my new life in my new town where our God has planted me.
I moved out of my parent's home when I was 20 and for the next 15 years I lived within 10 miles of my moms house. The last 8 years I lived two street lights away with my hubby and our family. I didn't know (or want to see) that I'd hurt her when I moved away last year. It was a wound that needed healing and I knew that I couldn't 'make' her come up here to see our new home until she was ready. So when she told me in April that she was looking forward to and planning a trip here in July, I nearly didn't believe her. But I knew the timing was right and God was slam in the midst of it. As I'm sitting here I can't believe how sweet my Lord is. I'm talking He knows what my soul needs here. He's just that awesome. Okay, so this is my proof of how dreamy He is: A few days before my mom's visit I began to fear that she was going to back out. There were some real reasons that it could've happened, but God gently reminded me of the dream He'd gifted to me last fall. And I began to see that my mom was bringing me my 'key'. Then I knew she was coming, and I got so excited. Our visit was incredible. We talked and listened and I got to show her places that are precious to my family. She got to witness my life and it was incredible. I realized how badly I needed her to see how happy I am and how God blessed my life by bringing me up here. Was it approval from her that I needed? Perhaps. Though I gotta say that I don't want to admit that at all. I was so sad when my mom left, but overjoyed that she'd come. So would you like to know what the key was? I discovered that I am where I'm supposed to be and she knows it. And so I have peace, true peace to live my new life in my new town where our God has planted me.
Friday, July 8, 2011
Shaken and stirred?
From July, 2011
I've had a lot of highs and a couple lows this week. On the top of my list of highs was the discovery that my youngest sister announced that her family is expecting a new baby in the late winter of next year. She and our other sister's children will be four months apart! So precious are these days for our family. It's incredible. Then last night my family and I went to hang out with a home group through our church. It was a great night, just fabulous. All of the people spoke of their walks with God and I can see myself growing with these people. There was a passage in Luke that I didn't get, a parable that I really wished there was a clearer breakdown of and a couple members broke it down and I came away with a clearer understanding. Just a nice moment of awareness for me that I'm always a student and occassionally a teacher.
I've had a lot of highs and a couple lows this week. On the top of my list of highs was the discovery that my youngest sister announced that her family is expecting a new baby in the late winter of next year. She and our other sister's children will be four months apart! So precious are these days for our family. It's incredible. Then last night my family and I went to hang out with a home group through our church. It was a great night, just fabulous. All of the people spoke of their walks with God and I can see myself growing with these people. There was a passage in Luke that I didn't get, a parable that I really wished there was a clearer breakdown of and a couple members broke it down and I came away with a clearer understanding. Just a nice moment of awareness for me that I'm always a student and occassionally a teacher.
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
By Faith
I had a moment of realization and unleashing today that I'd love to share with you. We relocated to Maryland and because the move happened so quickly, we didn't attempt to sell our former home. Rather we chose to rent it out. Because of that decision and a couple of well meaning mentions from my mother, I've had the fear that we would return to that house to reside in one day. I don't want to. I have a lot of wonderful memories in that home; it's where we brought our babies home, it was my husband and I's first home together...but if I have a choice, I don't want to return there to live. Only God knows the joy I have found since living there.
I had the privilege of seeing Benny Hinn in person back in 2004. He taught on the power of the blood of Jesus and it was a message I will never forget. Just that impactful an evening. The majority of his teaching came from Hebrews 11. The Faith chapter of Hebrews, and it is my run to chapter when I feel myself trying to take over for God. Yeppers. I do that. I think I've shared before that I have a boisterous sense of humor when it comes to my relationship with God. I have got some fabulous inside jokes with Him that only He will ever 'get'. It's dreamy. :) So today I'm reading about the faith of Abraham and Moses. And how they overcame earthly obstacles because of their faith in our heavenly Father. Then I read this little ditty: 'All these people were still living by faith when they died. They did not receive the things promised; they only saw them and welcomed them from a distance. And they admitted that they were aliens and strangers on earth. People who say such things show that they are looking for a country of their own. If they had been thinking of the country they had left, they would have had opportunity to return. Instead, they were longing for a better country-a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared a city for them.' So two things happened. The first thing I realized was that God was letting me know that trouble my heart feels right now isn't justified. It's fleshy. And secondly, He reminded me that I got rid of my moving boxes. I remember feeling so clean about that action. So if I could write my own Faith scripture it would say something like this: And by Faith, Lettie, knowing God had brought her to the land He prepared for her, recycled her cardboard boxes.
God is the original Rock star. He is the Alpha and Omega and I couldn't be more thankful that He alone can soothe this (at times) restless heart.
I had the privilege of seeing Benny Hinn in person back in 2004. He taught on the power of the blood of Jesus and it was a message I will never forget. Just that impactful an evening. The majority of his teaching came from Hebrews 11. The Faith chapter of Hebrews, and it is my run to chapter when I feel myself trying to take over for God. Yeppers. I do that. I think I've shared before that I have a boisterous sense of humor when it comes to my relationship with God. I have got some fabulous inside jokes with Him that only He will ever 'get'. It's dreamy. :) So today I'm reading about the faith of Abraham and Moses. And how they overcame earthly obstacles because of their faith in our heavenly Father. Then I read this little ditty: 'All these people were still living by faith when they died. They did not receive the things promised; they only saw them and welcomed them from a distance. And they admitted that they were aliens and strangers on earth. People who say such things show that they are looking for a country of their own. If they had been thinking of the country they had left, they would have had opportunity to return. Instead, they were longing for a better country-a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared a city for them.' So two things happened. The first thing I realized was that God was letting me know that trouble my heart feels right now isn't justified. It's fleshy. And secondly, He reminded me that I got rid of my moving boxes. I remember feeling so clean about that action. So if I could write my own Faith scripture it would say something like this: And by Faith, Lettie, knowing God had brought her to the land He prepared for her, recycled her cardboard boxes.
God is the original Rock star. He is the Alpha and Omega and I couldn't be more thankful that He alone can soothe this (at times) restless heart.
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Let's Break Some Chains, People!
We've been in our new home for a wee over a month and I am completely smitten with her. God has given my husband and I what we have individually and jointly wanted in a home ever since the 'dream house' discussions began when we were dating. Little things like a front porch and bigger things like full size double hung windows in the unfinished basement. It's just dreamy.
Before moving into our new abode, God was working with me on letting me know this house was meant for us. Just trusting Him that all was well and this path was laid out for us by Him. It was awwwesome. The only ease I can aliken it to is that peace I had when we were relocating from Virginia to Maryland. I knew He was in it and guiding us the whole way. More recently, He's showing me that I've had anxiety for years. I didn't know it, never saw it in action. Of course now that He's opened my eyes to it, I see it all the time. I feel it rise up and I see how I've always 'handled' it. Most alarming is that it's like the controlling spirit's nasty sidekick. He's let me know that while He revealed the controlling spirit to me years ago, now we get to work it out. It's really awkward. At times I find myself at a loss of how to behave. How does the Holy Spirit want to guide this child? And then can I surrender to my creator in that instant, not just in hindsight? My flesh is such a mess. These spirits that I didn't know I was hosting have been running the show and only with God can I be so transparent to let Him have His way through me. Okay, so all that is heavy, right? At least I feel like it is. The good news is that God loves this family line so much that He wants it cleaned up. One ugly, thick vine at a time. I always want a quick and easy (often pretty) ribbon to break and voila!, that's it, next! But that's not God. For as many generations as it's taken to have this massive root/spirit to feel like it's entitled to stay, it's going to take that many more baby steps on my part to walk with God and let Him do His thing. His work that He's started He will finish, my only role is to surrender. I'm so thankful that He loves us that much. Most awesome is that prayerfully my children, His children will not walk around with this spirit in them.
I pray that you who are reading this post can get on your knees and ask God to rid you of what hinders you from going deeper with Him. Bring on the deliverance!! Wooooo Hoooooo!!
Before moving into our new abode, God was working with me on letting me know this house was meant for us. Just trusting Him that all was well and this path was laid out for us by Him. It was awwwesome. The only ease I can aliken it to is that peace I had when we were relocating from Virginia to Maryland. I knew He was in it and guiding us the whole way. More recently, He's showing me that I've had anxiety for years. I didn't know it, never saw it in action. Of course now that He's opened my eyes to it, I see it all the time. I feel it rise up and I see how I've always 'handled' it. Most alarming is that it's like the controlling spirit's nasty sidekick. He's let me know that while He revealed the controlling spirit to me years ago, now we get to work it out. It's really awkward. At times I find myself at a loss of how to behave. How does the Holy Spirit want to guide this child? And then can I surrender to my creator in that instant, not just in hindsight? My flesh is such a mess. These spirits that I didn't know I was hosting have been running the show and only with God can I be so transparent to let Him have His way through me. Okay, so all that is heavy, right? At least I feel like it is. The good news is that God loves this family line so much that He wants it cleaned up. One ugly, thick vine at a time. I always want a quick and easy (often pretty) ribbon to break and voila!, that's it, next! But that's not God. For as many generations as it's taken to have this massive root/spirit to feel like it's entitled to stay, it's going to take that many more baby steps on my part to walk with God and let Him do His thing. His work that He's started He will finish, my only role is to surrender. I'm so thankful that He loves us that much. Most awesome is that prayerfully my children, His children will not walk around with this spirit in them.
I pray that you who are reading this post can get on your knees and ask God to rid you of what hinders you from going deeper with Him. Bring on the deliverance!! Wooooo Hoooooo!!
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Forever in the palm of His mighty hand
How can I accurately describe my love for my Lord and Savior? I haven't the words. I've wondered how Abraham really talked to him. Did Abraham profess his love and devotion to his God daily? Even when he was waiting for the promise of Isaac to be fulfilled? I've been through a lot in the last year, but all of it has been dreamy only because of my need to rely on God. And I have had to. Only he knows me so well that at times I don't need to communicate my frustrations or overwhelming joy to him. Gosh, I pray that there are lovers of Christ all over the world who experience this intimacy with God. He has blessed me in ways I can't understand. All I can figure is that he knows how much I adore him. Back in January I was stressed over finding a home. I felt like God had given us a most treasured tent but my prayer was that we would have a more permanent home in our new surroundings. I adore the place where God has brought us and I was prayerful that he would see fit to allow us to purchase a home. He'd given me a bit of a heads up last summer that we would find a home, but I had nothing to go on besides that tidbit of information. I could make a lovely testimony about the path to our new home long and rich with details, but I will try to stay brief. God led us to a home that is so fitting for our family. I'm giddy and so eager to begin this new journey in our walk with God. SO excited with anticipation. I've not felt this way since being pregnant with my children. We go to settlement on Tuesday (two days from now) and I'll be sure to update you from our new address. If you don't hear from me in a while, just look or listen for me. I'll be the chic dancing and singing from the mountaintops about God's blessings.
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Was that necessary?
My feelings were hurt! God warned me early Friday morning that I was about to get my feelings hurt and Steve was going to be the one to console me. I couldn't sleep, it was awful. So I asked God if He would prevent it from happening and there was silence on the other end of the conversation. I decided that all day Friday I would mind my own business and stay indoors, even avoiding the grocery store. Not that big a deal, it was 22* outside and I wasn't feeling the vibe to play outside. I thought if God wasn't going to stop it from happening I was going to not participate. It sounded logical to me, though I know that that's not how things really work out. Well, fast forward a couple days and it happened. And it really did hurt! I figure that it had to be a doozy if God was warning me in advance. And, it was Steve who helped me to have some perspective and to be kind to this person in the coming days. Here I sit now two hours after said incident and am much calmer. I think that's just God, Steve can't get all the credit for that one. ;) But those incidents of vulnerability do stregthen my relationship with my husband. God is pretty creative. I'm sure there will be many more learnings in the coming days that I'll carry around with me and further carve my testimony with the Holy Spirit. Tonight I'm going to rest in the knowledge that my Lord really, really loves me. I dare say he adores me enough to let me get hurt and rebound into His loving spirit. So was it necessary? I guess so. And maybe tomorrow I'll be grateful that it happened.
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
That was a big pothole.
My goal with this blog has been to be honest about my walk with God. So that would cover the great things about my walk with God and the struggles or mishaps. This post has been in the making for about four days. Four wild and crazy days! ;) Psalm 42:5 reads 'Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.' That scripture came to me on Monday evening. I was a mess, but didn't want to talk to God about it. I just wanted to feel sorry for myself for a little while. As I kept reading in Psalms I read chapters 42 and 43. I love Chapter 42 especially, it has special history between God and I. So it's my run to when I'm hurting. As I read I saw in Psalm 43:5, 'Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will praise him, my Savior and my God'. Still, I didn't get it. I was reading kinda numb. Well, this is why:
God gifted a home to us to rent for one year. The housing is paid for and everything. I tend to forget at times that God gave this home to us, how we found it and everything. It was like it had a blinking neon sign over it that said 'Lettie!! Steve!! LOOK HERE!!'. I have a comical relationship with God, so often I see him as very funny and charming. We are midway through our year of free housing and I'm hankering for a home to own. I can't explain it, I just have really, really wanted to own a home since we got here. Perhaps I feel like it will plant roots for us that we can't plant while renting? I'm not sure, it's just a personal thing right now. I adore our neighborhood. Again, it was selected for us by God. So this house across the street from us went on the market, literally, two weeks after we moved in. Ugg. It's been tempting me everytime I pass by, which is a few times a day at least. And we all know that that isn't God's style. To tempt us, so guess whose handy work that has been. I'm embarrassed to say that Satan has played me like a fiddle. But God had the victory so it's in the process of becoming another piece of my testimony for Jesus. (Can you see me sticking out my tongue? ;) God revealed to me at least five months ago that that isn't the home for us. He flat out said 'there will be another'. I could beat myself up for this trial for a long time, but let me keep moving. We found out this week that we could in fact purchase another home (we still own one in our home state). Imagine our joy! This was the time! Except God didn't give me peace about it, still I kept moving forward. God told me not to see the house, and I made an appointment to walk through it. Again. I talked to a mortgage broker and gave specifics and got our approx monthly payment and sent all the details to my hubby. I was so excited because we could afford it! This house is not too large, not too small with an unfinished basement. I mean I was already shopping through my Pottery Barn catalog. Now God was just being quiet. Can you imagine Him just observing me? My spirit was stressed all day yesterday, no peace whatsoever, but I attributed it to the excitement and anticipation of putting in an offer. Not the obvious. My husband comes home and after dinner we are talking about the house across the street. He says 'I want to put an offer on the house, but after praying about it today I don't think it's in our best interest. We need to stay where we are and continue to save money until the right house comes to us. And, I have peace about this.' I about died. I was so embarrassed, not because my husband had told me no, I was trying to strong arm God and I got caught. If I am continuing to be honest with you, I'll tell you that I'm not surprised I got caught or stopped. That's how much my God loves me. Enough to tell me no.
Today I'm very thankful for a praying husband and a God who is my God. I learned yesterday not to ignore Him. He doesn't like it, and He's going to have His way anyway. I love Him so much and am grateful for the walk I have with him. Potholes and all.
God gifted a home to us to rent for one year. The housing is paid for and everything. I tend to forget at times that God gave this home to us, how we found it and everything. It was like it had a blinking neon sign over it that said 'Lettie!! Steve!! LOOK HERE!!'. I have a comical relationship with God, so often I see him as very funny and charming. We are midway through our year of free housing and I'm hankering for a home to own. I can't explain it, I just have really, really wanted to own a home since we got here. Perhaps I feel like it will plant roots for us that we can't plant while renting? I'm not sure, it's just a personal thing right now. I adore our neighborhood. Again, it was selected for us by God. So this house across the street from us went on the market, literally, two weeks after we moved in. Ugg. It's been tempting me everytime I pass by, which is a few times a day at least. And we all know that that isn't God's style. To tempt us, so guess whose handy work that has been. I'm embarrassed to say that Satan has played me like a fiddle. But God had the victory so it's in the process of becoming another piece of my testimony for Jesus. (Can you see me sticking out my tongue? ;) God revealed to me at least five months ago that that isn't the home for us. He flat out said 'there will be another'. I could beat myself up for this trial for a long time, but let me keep moving. We found out this week that we could in fact purchase another home (we still own one in our home state). Imagine our joy! This was the time! Except God didn't give me peace about it, still I kept moving forward. God told me not to see the house, and I made an appointment to walk through it. Again. I talked to a mortgage broker and gave specifics and got our approx monthly payment and sent all the details to my hubby. I was so excited because we could afford it! This house is not too large, not too small with an unfinished basement. I mean I was already shopping through my Pottery Barn catalog. Now God was just being quiet. Can you imagine Him just observing me? My spirit was stressed all day yesterday, no peace whatsoever, but I attributed it to the excitement and anticipation of putting in an offer. Not the obvious. My husband comes home and after dinner we are talking about the house across the street. He says 'I want to put an offer on the house, but after praying about it today I don't think it's in our best interest. We need to stay where we are and continue to save money until the right house comes to us. And, I have peace about this.' I about died. I was so embarrassed, not because my husband had told me no, I was trying to strong arm God and I got caught. If I am continuing to be honest with you, I'll tell you that I'm not surprised I got caught or stopped. That's how much my God loves me. Enough to tell me no.
Today I'm very thankful for a praying husband and a God who is my God. I learned yesterday not to ignore Him. He doesn't like it, and He's going to have His way anyway. I love Him so much and am grateful for the walk I have with him. Potholes and all.
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