He used it.

I've sat under a few wonderful preachers/teachers in my adult life.  My favorites have helped me by relating the bible to their personal walks.  I recently read a teaching from Joseph Prince about being seasick when he was a sailor and his higher up told them to look on the horizon as opposed to the waves directly around them to settle their illness.  He was relating it to our walks with Christ, kind of another 'forest through the trees' metaphor.  I heard that spiritual lightbulb click on.  We all have heard the metaphors but when I'm in a storm, it's near impossible to see past it.  I remember in the depth of my storm trying desperately to focus on the passing of the storm.  The healing from the storm takes a little longer, but that's another post for another day. 

I knew in January that I would never wish my journey on anyone, but also knew that God would probably use my story for His glory and perhaps I'd get to share it one day with someone it could help. 

On Wednesday evening at church, she found me. I had decided to sit in the prayer meeting while my kids were in Awana's.  Normally I hide in the corners of the church for a couple hours, now don't go and judge me, I'm healing here. ;) I saw an old girlfriend sitting a couple rows back and was nearly embarrassed to say 'hello' to her because transition in my life has never been smooth for me... I had an awful habit of moving on and leaving treasured friends behind.  Okay so that little bit of history explained... I sat with her, she was smiling though she had hurt in her eyes.  I found myself desperate for the teaching to end so we could chat and catch up.  She was not smooth in her delivery and I found I wasn't at ease, either.  I said 'So, how are you?' and I sensed her hesitation so I interrupted and cynically said 'fine, right?  Everyone is fine.'.  She stared at me for a few seconds and said 'no, everything isn't fine.' and then came the heart.  She starts mentioning some hurts she is experiencing with God and how she has been faithful to her bible, her church and her Lord, but it's not helping.  Furthermore a lot of well intentioned girlfriends have told her to 'hold on' and it'll get better soon, but it's been 14 months since her world was rocked and it's not improved, yet.  It was so hard to hear her heart, because I have been there, so recently and I got where she is.  So I didn't tell her it's going to be better and I didn't even give her my favorite faith verses, which had been my favorite things to do when people were hurting before my stormy season.  Instead I listened to her and finally when we were parting told her that I didn't know how her story would end, but because of where I've been I knew there would be a day when she would look at her situation with hindsight and see God's hand and provision.  She would see His faithfulness and mercy over her and her family. 

There are many scriptures that speak to my heart now that I wish I'd focused on then.  One of them is Romans 8:18 I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. 

When I got home I wrote her a brief note and shared my journey learning about Job's faithfulness and how Job's walk with God transformed my heart.  But what God shared with me is that He really does work all things out for His glory. 

I have many drafts saved from over the summer but none were finished to post.  So it's not that I've been avoiding you dear blog, perhaps just the emotions the bubble up as I begin to write.  My heart is aching.  Last month we began the process of returning to our family home that we left in 2010 for Steve's career opportunity in Maryland.  There are so many emotions wrapped up in that one statement.  I remember the conflicting feelings I felt as we were discussing moving, then meeting with packing companies and finally saying our 'goodbyes' to lifelong friends and family to go on a family adventure.  Over the summer I was able to kinda stuff all of my emotions into a pit within myself that I didn't know I had. What's bringing on this heartache?  Unpacking.  I hit a brick wall yesterday and just stared at my boxes and paper.  The memories of what I was experiencing when certain boxes were packed are brutal.  No one knows what that was like for me except my Lord.  I shared pieces of it with a few cherished girlfriends that God put in my life to hold my hand and at times, my heart.

It would be too easy for me to return to my house and put everything back exactly where it was.  I've been through too much to put everything back in its former place.  Can you relate to that?  I don't want to put my pictures on the same walls, even in the same rooms.  I've already changed a few things around and really like the way the house is coming together.  I wonder if God feels the same way about this girl.  I'm the same person, but a lot of change has taken place.  God is the ultimate redecorator, but I think He calls it growth.

Goodbye, Again.

I'm in Severna Park visiting a cherished friend and her family for a few days before their impending move to Kansas. I jokingly told her yesterday that I was glad I moved out of the area before she did. I would've been heartbroken. I wouldn't be exaggerating to say the majority of my wonderful memories about Severna Park have her in them. She helped me to discover the sweetness of the area. She was the one who showed me that the trail was more than for exercise but also as a convenient way (and fun) to get to the produce stand or Rita's. Heck, she introduced me to Rita's, haha!  It's been a lovely visit and I won't look forward to saying goodbye to her again. 

I did get to visit a sweet friend of mine yesterday and since we met at her home for coffee, I drove past our old house.  I was so nervous, not knowing how I'd feel driving past 'my' driveway to get to her door.  But may I say that it was fine.  I learned that the house I saw so much promise in was also becoming a burden.  I'm so thankful that the house sold and that it's no longer on my radar.  So thankful.  I'll leave Severna Park again tomorrow after visiting with some sweet friends from home group.  I think I'll be ready to go this time, I won't freak out or be overcome with sadness as I drive out of town.  I'm ready.  Virginia Beach is home again, but Severna Park will always be a treasure to my soul.  God really is always good, even if I don't acknowledge it right away.

My Simple Heart

For the last couple weeks I've been busy with the unpacking and nesting in our new home.  It's beginning to feel more like a safe place to fall and it's growing on me.  My heart still aches for the beautiful people that God has knitted into my heart from Maryland.  I often feel many emotions at one time and find tears just run.  On the flip side today I experienced a moment of pure joy that I've not felt in a long time.  It was wonderful and I look forward to many more moments like that in the coming weeks. The door hasn't entirely closed for us in Severna Park.  Our house was to go to settlement on March, 16th but the buyers had a change of heart and didn't make their appointment.  It is back on the market and we are prayerful that God has the right family in mind for that precious neighborhood and house.  I can be thankful for the family that didn't follow through on their commitment if only because they were the catalyst that allowed my family to be united.

In this season of difficulty and healing, I am thankful for the roof over our heads, the birdbath in my backyard and the music of wind chimes.  Also I'm grateful for my daughter's smooth transition to a new school and my son's willingness to hang with Mommy while we are adapting to our new routine together.  My husband is a different man.  Not the weathered man I expected to see when we returned to Virginia, but a joyful and playful husband of years past that I have missed.  I'm thankful for the changes in our marriage. 

In August, just months before we faced this crisis in our lives, we attended a marriage semiar at church.  It was incredible and I learned God was showing me how to support my husband, not just be his cheerleader.  I didn't know what that looked like so you can imagine my wondering how it would be useful in our lives.  I began looking for opportunities to support and serve my husband.  Of course I believe I know now what He was preparing me/us for.  I'm thankful for God's provision over our marriage, the act of telling me what my husband was going to need was a demonstration of His love for my husband.

God is always with me and His blessings are abundant.  I'm in a time in my life where it's easy to focus on what I don't have or what hasn't been settled, but I know that God works ALL things out for my good.  And I have to keep my eyes on Him or on my birdbath which is heaven to this girl's soul.

Adios, Costa Rica

Two years ago Steve and I had the joy of traveling to Costa Rica with another couple that is sugar to our souls.  We had a wonderful time and enjoy reliving the trip to this day with countless conversations that begin with a simple 'Remember when...'.  I could recount a few of those hilarious stories, but you may not find them nearly as hilarious as we do.  I missed my children a bit the first few days, but truly I was happy to spend time alone with Steve.  The smells were so fragrant, it was like heaven's perfume.  All the colors were bright, the Bird of Paradise flower?  Incredible.  Just incredible.  Even the barbed wire fences supported by tree limbs I found to be beautiful in their rustic simplicity.  I was even chased by a fierce bull on the beach, and chicken another time.  Okay, I really wasn't chased but it rationalizes my frozen panic when I say I was chased even if they only walked by.

A couple years ago this month I had a dream.  It was a dream that defined my life, have you had one of those?  I tend to be a prophetic dreamer, it's a gift that God has given to this child and I've always been appreciative of it.  In this dream, Steve and I were on vacation up north, near water.  I felt like it was the Great Lakes, but not quite as chilly as I'd think it to be.  Coolness aside, it was absolutely dreamy!!  I felt like I was in Costa Rica, the energy was so clean and relaxed, I can only describe it as a vacation mindset.  The dream carried on for some time and it was blissful, bold colors, warm skies and a lot of joy between Steve and I.  Then we were atop a mountain, just Steve and I and our car suddenly begins bouncing and leaps off the cliffside.  It was wild!  No one was physically hurt, and Steve and I began laughing, I mean belly laughing, at the absurdity of the situation.  We went to the car insurance office where we were suddenly foreigners and knew not a person there.  Still laughing at what had happened, everyone in the office looked at us like we were crazy.  All of them were somber at what had happened and then I found out that my sister had been imprisoned in Virginia because of our car going off the cliff.  Now I was feeling very sober and headed down to see if I could help Stephanie by explaining to the judge what had happened and that she wasn't at all liable for our mistake.  By the time I'd gotten down there I found out that her bail had been posted by Bob, Steve's boss.  Crazy stuff, but anyway, that's what happened. She'd been freed on bail and I returned to the north.  That was what I woke up to.  What I know now what that the dream was a word of knowledge and not necessarily a positive one.  That dream was the catalyst that moved us to Maryland.  Steve was given the offer of the job in Glen Burnie and I'd had that dream about three weeks before.  I didn't see the connection until a few days after we began discussing the offer in earnest.  I will say that the dream was spot on about so much.  What haunted me about the dream, even while we were in Maryland, was that it didn't end well.  I really wanted clarity and begged my Lord that the car wouldn't represent itself in real life as it had in the dream.  Because who on earth wants to welcome a car going off the cliff and no one else feeling the same way about it as we did?  Not this girl.  I shared this dream with a few trusted people in my life, my mom, sisters and a girlfriend.  They never forgot the dream, either. 

When it became apparent that Steve's office was going to close and he was getting pushed under the bus by his boss, I was frightened that the job was the 'car' that I'd not wanted to see.  So I finally researched my dream of 18 months prior and found that a car going off a cliff represents a career ending.  Oh, at that moment how I wished I'd known that little bit of information before moving up I95. You know though I've gotta admit here that my biggest fear, as a stay at home mom, was Steve losing his job.  When he got that 1/3 pay cut my world was rocked, it was wobbling and my husband was sickened.  He lost his confidence at work and became a different man, one that was sad and cornered.  I felt awful for him, more because he was still loyal to this company that was turning his back on him.  He didn't want to interview anywhere because he didn't want it to look bad for his company that the head of that branch was looking elsewhere for employment.  I learned so much about my husband's character and integrity.  I came to respect him as a husband, father, provider and man so much more than I'd ever given thought to before this chapter in our lives. 

May I say what God did for us through His matchless grace?  He provided a way out for us that no human being could've done.  I've mentioned before about the support He granted us and me, but it was huge.  I was so afraid of the bills not being paid, but may I share that during that time not one was even late?  Only my God knew the tiniest details of my heart and balmed them effortlessly.  Our home group was our crutch for survival.  I longed for Thursday nights so I could just be a part of a group of believers and feel normal for a couple hours.  I loved seeing how God was working amongst our group and being faithful to the needs of our members.  One couple had struggled with infertility and God gave me the ability to join this group to pray with fevor for this couple who is now pregnant with twins.  The ability to pray for others needs while going through my own trial blessed my soul. 

Costa Rica in my natural life represents wonderful memories of horses that pass gas and urinate in unison, ziplining over valleys and feeding a stray cougar (or housecat, whichever you prefer) and of course, lots of belly laughing.  Costa Rica in my spiritual life is a much richer and deeper place of growth in trust and receiving grace from my Lord.  Both are spectacular and offer life long memories for my soul but only one changed my life forever.  And I am filled with gratitude again for my heavenly Father.  He is my Love and I am so thankful for Him and His love for me.

Gratitude defined.

It has happened.  I am so physically tired I can not think to climb my stairs one. more. time.  Why so tired?  We're packing because we are outta here!  Another time I will share how bittersweet this move is for me and perhaps at that time I will share some treasured memories of my sweet, sweet time here in Severna Park, Maryland.  In the meantime I've hit my stride with this whole moving thing.  One month from today is the scheduled settlement on this house.  Next stop?  My grandfather's vacant home in Virginia Beach until God tells us what to do next.  You know what I'd love?  To stay there long enough to heal from this process, the story that is so intimate to my hubby and I that only God will ever know how excruciating it's been. But also how charm filled and blissful.  God is good.  He alone knows my heart through this process and He has shown me His love for me over and over and over.  I can not be more filled with love and gratitude than I am today.

Arrogant me.

My husband was laid off from his job earlier this month.  Ya know, the one that we moved up here for.  He's taken a position with a company in our hometown and will move ahead of the kids and I this coming weekend.  He'll visit every two weekends until the house sells and we'll skype, too.  I'm thankful for technology, I'm hopeful it'll make this process easier.  I'm so pissed over this whole thing.  I thought, I mean I *knew* that God was allowing us to make Severna Park our home.  I love the bike trail, the smalltown vibe, the roosters that I hear every morning and the funny cardinals that frequent my bird feeders.  There are things I don't particularly care for, too, but overall my heart has found joy here.  Joy I'd not known before when I lived in a larger city overrun with asphalt and streetlights.  What I now acknowledge is that I knew in my soul that this was a temporary home for us, not just the rental we were in last year, but Severna Park.  I thought if Steve and I bought a home up here then we'd have to stay.  That's really what I thought and what I acted on.  And God allowed us to follow through with that arrogant and prideful behavior.  Oh goodness.  How I need His help to get through this massive  mess we've created. 

So my heart doesn't have a lot of gratitude right now; it's more filled with fear, worry, regret, remorse and sometimes panic.  But I do have gratitude, I just have to look for my blessings.  We've had an incredible experience up here.  My love of piggies and all things farm has been firmly established in my heart.  My children are awesome kids.  We've put them through two moves with another one on the horizon and while they aren't happy about it, they get why we need to move again.  As Bridget (6yo) put it, 'So we have to find someone to buy our house so we can move to Virginia to be with Daddy, right?  And there's nothing more important than family'.  I just stared at her and finally replied with a yes. :) There is beauty through this whole thing if I keep my eyes fixed on God.  Oh I pray I can keep my eyes fixed on God.